SmithAntics

Ever seen the Freak Watchers Textbook?

If you haven’t, I hope you don’t have much work to do today. Here’s a couple samples, which don’t even begin to scratch the surface.

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Common Names: Iron Mike | Blue Collar

Scientific Name: Derilectus americanus

Geographical Range: Most of the Midwest

Age: 52

Description: Underfed, underpaid, undereducated and overdrunk.

Habits: Second only to the BillyBob in sheer number of Jerry Springer appearances.

The Iron Mike is named, not for his strength, but for his cast iron stomach which must withstand a constant barrage of cheap alcohol, spoiled 7-11 burritos, warm canned beer and "poontang."

The one redeeming quality of the Iron Mike is, despite continual hangovers, he keeps a steady stream of low-paying temporary jobs that he gets from Labor-Ready -- an employment agency for the unemployable. None of these positions are particularly desirable, but he makes do.

The alcohol helps.

With no retirement pay to look forward to, the Iron Mike generally wills himself to die on his 55th birthday. How this is accomplished is a mystery, but it often involves drugs, Mexican strippers and a goat.

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Common Name: Midwestern Crackwhore

Scientific Name: Morbus festivae

Geographical Range: Gutters, alleys and anywhere men appear to have eighteen cents to spare.

Age: no one cares

Description: As bipeds go, the Midwestern Crackwhore is one of the least appealing to look at or endure listening to. Crackwhores have anywhere between six and nine brown, scaly "teeth" and usually can be identified by a deranged, psychopathic expression on their faces.

Hair is greasy, tangled and often resembles the kelp forests of the deep Pacific in both appearance and odor.

Crackwhores give off strong musks, not to mark territory, but because they stink. Being downwind of a flock of Crackwhores is said to smell like a cross between a wino that has been set afire and a beached sperm whale in direct sunlight.

Habits: Solicitation from men is the preferred method of employment for the Midwestern Crackwhore. Many of them still show vestiges of faded beauty from their youth. But that was many vials ago. Now most of them spend their days "gutter-diving," hallucinating about "seeing a grain o' rock down there" and attempting unsuccessfully to scam money.

Through a well-balanced diet of Taco Bell, Crack, Mesc, X, Crank, Parachute, Lebanese Blonde, Everclear, Drano, White-Out and Wino Semen, the Crackwhore has an energy supply that would make the Common Shrew seem positively docile.

The Crackwhore is capable of reproduction through some sick joke on Nature's part. The children are destined for an action-packed life of starvation, neglect and beatings until age six when the thoughtful mother has them committed to a state hospital or sells them at fair market value to the local pornographer.

More here. But beware the Dumper.